It happens at night

        It happens at night, when I'm sitting alone. There's nobody else with me here in my little room. I'm alone with my thoughts, and they are not good company. They eat at me, tear at my fragile emotions, and I cannot escape them. During the light hours I can busy myself with my day to day life. I'll think about what paper is due, how much I need to study for my horrid zoology lab, or whatever mundane challenge is in store for me. But at night...I just can't get away.
        What do I feel? A hodgepodge of negative thoughts, feelings, and emotions assaults my consciousness. I feel angry. I hate the world and all the people in it, and then a wave of guilt for such a thing. I feel sad about how unfair life is to myself and others. And most of all…I feel lonely. I am so, so very lonely. I...I'm gay, and I am terrified of what the world will do to me.
I've seen how cold and cruel it can be to people like me. I've seen the bigotry and hate that is thinly masked by religious morality.
        From the sidelines, hiding my true self from view, I have seen other treated as little more than animals. I...I'm terrified. How can you deal with being seen by so many as a monster? As an abomination? I am no longer a child, but…when I hear those words, see that hate, it makes me want to run and hide.
Sometimes it's all I can do to keep  from bursting into tears.
        I am racked by fear, and that makes me ashamed. I am not embarrassed or angry about the way I was born. Far from it! I'm proud of who I am. Which severs to make me more ashamed of being afraid to stand tall and show it. I want to be able to just walk up to a guy and flirt. I want to be able to not just be a gay, but a person who happens to be gay. I NEED to be able to be myself!
But I can't.
I can't...
        I'm so afraid.
        And oh so, very, very lonely.

        I know someday, hopefully not too far away, I will able to do all that I wish. Someday I hope I'll be happy, and maybe someday I'll fall in love. I'll be able to walk down the street and not be worried and looking over my shoulder to see if there are angry knowing stares.
But until then, in this dark night, I hide safely.
Locked in the closet.